It was a day that would forever go down in history as Mandolin Tuesday. Jackson Spaghetti, he of the unfortunate name, had just lost another in a long line of women. Before they had a chance to form a firing squad in his head and destroy his self-esteem the aforementioned, and undoubtedly already notorious, mandolin was produced. Strings tuned as amplifier valves warmed to inferno temperatures.

Sheila McGovern, grand high wizardess of illuminati secrets, was watching Judge Judy on television when the first notes rang out. The first aching, medieval notes like the opening bombardments of the first great war. The first song was “Oh Dear! Lady Guinevere is a slut”, a self-titled composition by the great man himself. Judge Judy was speaking but McGovern couldn’t hear. All that power and secrets and no control. A post-modernist laughed at her and smoked a doobie.

Jeremy was wearing a turtleneck when the first song ended, it had been long. The catfish tattoo on his left leg wriggled in agitated spasms with the thundering of the mandolin. It was an inaccurate representation of a catfish as Jeremy had gotten it done by a man afraid of fish. He stood up. There was nothing for it; he was going to get a drink. Falling off the wagon sent Jeremy off a rooftop not too soon afterwards.

Bobby was a big ol’ baby and the music made him cry.

Jackson Spaghetti, he of the unfortunate name, ‘s music scared away the rat Peter Dubois was chasing. A small man, bald and toothless, Dubois took out his napoleon complex on vermin. Actively encouraging them with dropped cheese and biscuits before loading his monocle unto his face and stamping their brains out. He was a police force of his own and walked with the thrusting actions of a man who upholds the status quo.

Cathy is a Freudian jazz musician with raven black hair and a face that always made me smile. We’re only acquaintances but I’ve built her up into a ridiculously idealised love object. I love her very much. She’s nothing to do with this story.

As Jackson Spaghetti, he of the unfortunate name, baronet, continued to play his tunes, this one entitled “One day I’ll pass out and someone will drink me”, he realised the sun had gone down. Everybody had left the surrounding area but for Ronald Mack who was too busy computer gaming. He was all alone. It was finally peaceful. He had a wank and went to hell for his sin.